I’m going to dwell on this topic of goals and dreams for another paragraph here, because I think one of the most frequent things I get asked in Japan is, what’s your dream for your future?

well now, the honest truth is that I don’t really have one. I haven’t actually had a goal (beyond your typical new years weight loss resolution) since I was in high school and decided I wanted to move to Tokyo – to which one of my roommates laughed and said, well, I guess you’re living your dream right now then, aren’t you!

that was kind of an eye-opener. it’s a ridiculously fortunate and privileged thing to have achieved your goal and be living your dream – and when I really started thinking about it, I feel like I’m not making the most of it. which isn’t to say I’m not content with my life, because I am. I’ve managed to make a life for myself, with friend, family, school and work, in what will soon be three very short years. I know I’ve managed more and continue to do more than a lot of other students I know, that I push past language barriers and possible cultural complications in a way that a lot of people can’t – but somehow it doesn’t feel like that much of an acheivement? maybe because the people I admire the most, like the absolutely amazing Arriane , seem to be at a level I can’t even dream of ever reaching. and there we have it. dreams and dreaming, but very little concrete action planning (which is probably one of Arriane’s most admirable traits /fangirl mode)

I think I lost that spark I had when I first moved to Tokyo – not in the sense that I’m jaded, because the city never seizes to take my breath away in even the smallest of ways, but there’s a feeling of having had a running start when I got here, and having wasted it by not doing more in the beginning.

I know one of the things I really want to share with those of you who are still reading this, is a look at youth culture that’s more than outdated FRUiTS scans and Kyary Pamyu Pamyu (bless her heart though, I love her). some of my favorite memories are from art exhibitions held by students and young artists, and some of the best conversations I’ve had have been hearing about their inspiration and process – and I don’t think a lot of information about that is available in English. so. yeah. I’d like to translate that to digital form – through photography obviously, as well as interviews and perhaps my own thoughts and musings about youth culture in Tokyo. I think that’s one of the things I really want to achieve with this platform, combined with the ever work-in-progress that is the tiny Tokyo guide (aka an endless word document of all my favourite places in the city, silly #protips, etc)

I don’t know how this will actually play out in the long run, but I think it’s the closest thing to a dream I’ve had in a long time. it all depends on my own ability to turn it into a goal that I’ll continuously work towards achieving.

nana.

after two and a half years of living here, I feel pretty adept at navigating my way through Tokyo and its bajilion public transportation options, I thought to myself one sunny Sunday afternoon in early December.

…right. if ever there was a time where I wish I could blame my misfortune on Apple Maps, this would be it – but as it were, I think I jinxed myself. I was headed to Tamagawa station and the nearby Keio Floral gardens to have a look at the Go Green outdoor crafts market with my host family, and I was pretty certain I was heading the right way. in my defence I did arrive at a Tamagawa station at the time we had agreed on – just not the right one. there are (at least) two Tamagawa stations separated by a good 16 kilometre stretch, and I had of course ended up at the wrong one.

it also goes with the story that I forgot my wallet at one station, had to go back and get it, and dropped one of my cameras before I – two and half hours later – arrived where I was supposed to be…  I should have maybe just gone by bike.

in the end I did at least find my host family (bless them for waiting for me!) and we had a really nice time. the Go Green market is quite amazing in that you have these shop owners literally set up stores in the middle of this large beautiful garden; there’s every fixture you’d imagine seeing in a proper shop, with tables, and drawers and books shelves – but without walls. it’s a twice a year event, and I really hope to be able to go this spring – the Keio Floral gardens were lovely in winter, but I can’t imagine how much nicer it would be going when the weather is warmer and and flowers are in full bloom again. if you’re a lover of zakka and hand-made items living in Tokyo, you should keep an eye out for the Go Green market!

I actually intended for these to be the first photos posted when I “relaunched” this blog. they were taken (what feels like) ages ago, with a Superhead camera I bought my first week in Tokyo back in August 2010. since I got them developed that Fall, they’ve alternated between being pinned on my wall and tucked away in the black Repetto shoebox I keep on my desk, in between unsent post cards and stacks of purikura. I wish I had gotten around to scanning them sooner, because during my numerous moves from various apartments, I’ve lost  about half of the pictures I took in those early days exploring my host-family’s neighbourhood in Nerima-ku.

it feels like such a long time ago, partially because in scanning these shots they got this grainy old texture (that I usually only see as an iPod app filter these days), and partially because I feel like so much has happened since then. just last week as I was flying home to Tokyo from spending winter vacation in Europe (my first Christmas with family in two years!) I realized it was actually my fifth return flight from Europe to Japan in two and a half years. now my trips have had their reasons, and I don’t feel like I need to justify them – but let’s be honest that a whole lot of going back and forth. and in between that there’s been so many experiences, so many new faces and I’m not sure how I’ve managed to squeeze it all in in such a short span of time, now that I think of it.

to say that I’ve changed, for better or for worse, would be a pretty obvious statement. I don’t see the city in the same way as I did in those first weeks and months after moving to Tokyo. I can tell from my own photos, comparing then with now, that I had a whole different level of curiosity – maybe not more curious than I am now, but I sought things out in a different way? obviously because everything was new and foreign, even the tiniest things were attractive to me. everything still is; I can’t count the times where I’ve been biking through the city and just marvel at how beautiful it is to me (and the amount of people who are confused by how I can find a city with this much concrete and steel and glass beautiful. oh my). it just feels different.

even though I’ve lost a lot of the photos from those days (particularly some of my favourites) I’m glad I have these left to remind me.

yesterday was coming of age day in Japan; it snowed, much like it did around this time last year – though perhaps even a bit more than last time around. being the first snow of the new year, and probably the only snow we’ll see until next december comes around, and snow is one of the things I love the most, I got my jet lagged bum out the door before noon for a little photo walk.

it’s been – as you might have noticed – quite a while since I posted any photos at all. there’s no particular reason why I just stop, though at the same time a I could probably list a hundred different reason why I did; sometimes I just put my camera down for a long time and when I pick it back up again it feels strangely heavy and foreign in my hands. takes a while to get back into things; writing actual text to go with entry feels incredibly strange too. since changing up the blog a bit and moving it off of tumblr (thanks to the amazing Carina) I kept trying to figure out what it was (is) that I’m trying to do with this blog. it’s always been a personal photography blog by all standards but I’ve always felt the personal part was missing. I don’t really know how much of myself to share in my writing, nor how much I want to share. I’ve kind of come to the conclusion that I want to try to – for the first time in my life – successfully keep a diary, and this would be it, as well as, what should I call it, my ongoing love letter to this city that I’ve come to think of as home.

I have no idea how this is actually going to work out, but I think it’s something I will enjoy personally – which in the end is kind of what I think is most important? one of the nicest compliments I ever received on my photos was something a friend told me around this time last year, when it snowed. she said she could tell from the photos that they were taken with love. for a while, I think I lost whatever spark it was I was able to give my photos; I’m hoping this is how I can get it back.

and well, there you have it. if you’re still reading this, thank you, and if it’s your first time dropping by the, hi. I hope we’ll see each other often from now on.

nana.